The Truth About Cats and Dogs

My brother owns cats now.  Two.  Sisters.  Emily and Melly.  (I told him those were stupid names for cats and they would henceforth be known as Chairman Meow and Dr. Pepper.)  Mom is overjoyed to have them.  Dad?  Not so much.

I was looking forward to introducing them to this notorious catnip stuff that apparently turns kittens into berserkers.  I gave them some and the results were anticlimactic to say the least.
They rolled in it for a while.  Then they proceeded with life, albeit at a slightly increased pace.
Yi-freaking-haw.

It was completely by accident that I discovered the true magic substance.
Turkey.
Get a piece of turkey out and Melly (That’s Dr. Pepper to you) turns into an absolute crackhead.

So around Thanksgiving I got this grand idea: I’d play a little joke on my dad and teach Melly to climb legs after food.  If you've never had a cat, I'll tell you now.  That shit hurts in an OH GOD THOSE CLAWS ARE HEADED WHERE?! kind of way.
Now, I’m no newbie to training animals.  The only thing is, the trainees of my past were 3 dogs.
But I figured, hey, training is training, right?
NOT SO.
Damn cats.
With dogs, if you want them to, say, give you hi-five/paw, you perform the action, reward them when they succeed, repeat a few times, and they get it.  And then proceed to offer hi-fives to every single person who eats anything in their vicinity ever again.

I set out to do this with Melly and leg-climbing.  I thought ‘ha ha.  I’ll teach her on me and then, when I go home, the only person left in their household actually eating the turkey will be dad.  So the next time he pulls out the leftovers… BIG SURPRISE.’
After putting lots of holes in my good jeans (not to mention my LEGS), I abandoned ship; gleefully returning a week later to see the fruits of my labor, only to discover that my dad had developed a magical cat-repelling force field.  They do not mess with him.  They do not mess with anyone AROUND him.
I have been catapulted into the role of sole food provider.
The end result?
It is now unsafe for me in my parents’ kitchen.

Eating at their house has become like reenacting a scene from the move Predator.